Do you ever wonder about the what ifs?

I normally don't but this week I have been letting my mind wander into the area of what if. I am finally in a good emotional state to do so with my lost too early children. I am not wanting sympathy or anything, just know that I am glad that the healing has brought me far enough to let my mind wander and wonder. I won't stay here long but for right now it is ok for me to do so.

I have seen so many back to school photos this week on social media and read about some of your first day of school adventures. I love these. So unique and sometimes so similar from across my various friends in so many different locations. The debate of your Jr. High and High schoolers of whether to take a backpack to the first day of school is very real across many states. As I laugh at the stories this year something different happened with me. What would I and my kids be doing if I had not miscarried them. Again, I am in a healthy state of mind. This is not a sad post. Stay with me and be curious in the what ifs.

Christa Grace would have been approximately 3rd grade and 8 years old. I believe she would have had curly hair like mine but lighter in color, more like David. Would she be a girly girl or would she be more tom boyish? What would her favorite color be? What would her first day of school outfit be? Would she be shy like David was or be outgoing like me? This is where my mind can picture her in different situations and just wonder. I feel this is not a bad thing at all. I am in a curiosity mode of letting my thoughts wonder, wander, and ponder. I feel it is a way to be close to her even when I never got to hold her. And now those of you who know both David and me are wondering what this girl would be like too. And probably saying, "oh my, not a little Lisa!" I am laughing, and I so agree.

Arthur James would most likely have been in 2nd grade and 7 years old. What would he look like? What is his personality? All the same questions of what his likes and dislikes would be. Would he be like one of his uncles and like computer stuff or would he be like the other uncle and like all heavy machinery or farm equipment? For some reason I picture him as more reserved than the others. Would he be the one that gravitated toward animals? Is he the quiet bold adventurer?

Samuel Lee would most likely have been in 1st grade and 6 years old.

He would be my picky eater. When I was pregnant, he didn't like anything. He made sure I was not eating my favorite foods. He was also the most stubborn and caused me some issues different from the others. I can see him walking in owning the school from day one. I asked a friend who is a first grade teacher if she could imagine a little David in her classroom, or a little male version of me. She laughed and said she enjoys all her challenges. I laughed. This one would have been a handful. But in what ways? What would his interest be? Maybe it would be totally different than either mine or David's interest.

Some experts might disagree with me about letting my mind wander and wonder about my littles who never made it into my arms. It has allowed me to laugh with my thoughts of them at this age. Again, I will not stay here in these thoughts for long. It is nice to take a short time and just ponder such things and visit with what could have been. I will never know on this side of heaven. But I will get to meet them one day and that will be a joyous day. Until then, I can always visit in my day dreams.

I am extremely grateful for the ones in my life who have taught me how to grow, stretch my comfort zone, laugh, and give me support. I am also thankful for a hair clip side gig that allows for many jeep trips, and it is the perfect way to contain the crazy jeep hair into beautiful hair. Here are the links if you are interested in the Jeep Jewelry www.gatewoodsjubilee.biz. or you can go to www.LillaRose.biz/Gatewood for that amazing hair Flexiclip.

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Do you ever wonder about the what ifs?